Lost For Words
by silverhelix428
Summary: Rory's supposed to be married in half an hour. But a letter from a lost love may change her mind about that... Literati.


**A/N-** I'm baaaaaaack! I've spent a month and a half in sunny, gorgeous Italy, and I'm back in action with about six billion plot bunnies chewing on my brain like that psycho rabbit from Monty Python... So let's start with a oneshot, shall we? It's not my best, but I was distracted by many many many men, all of whom vaguely resembled Milo V's gorgeousness, which I think is more than justification for a slightly less-than-stellar piece.**  
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**Lost For Words**

_"To martyr yourself to caution_  
_Is not going to help at all_  
_Because there'll be no safety in numbers_  
_When the Right One walks out of the door..."_  
_-Pink Floyd _

* * *

It was an absolutely nondescript day. Partially cloudy, patches of blue between, moderate temperature, slight breeze... Possibly the most ordinary, middle-of-the-road day Rory Gilmore could have asked for on her wedding day. No rain to drench her on the short walk between the church and the limousine, but not so much sun that the light would make for bad photos.

Regardless of the weather outside, the climate in the bridal room was gloomy, with a forecast of tears. Rory was staring at a letter in her hands that had been delivered only that morning. She almost had ignored it along with the rest of the inane mail delivered to her mother's house, but something had stopped her hand and she had had just enough time to recognize the precise, small handwriting on the envelope. There was no return address, but she knew who it was from. With little time to spare, she had tucked the missive in her purse and brought it to the church with her to read in the interim that was guaranteed to come about between the time she was dressed and ready and the moment she would step onto the silk runner that covered the length of the aisle. And now she held the letter in her hands, reading it over and over again.

_Dear Rory,  
__Thanks for inviting me, I guess. I suppose by the time you get this, you'll already realize I'm not coming,  
due to my lack of RSVP. I thought I should write anyway, though. I can't come. I'm sure you understand  
why. Watching you marry another guy isn't something I'm capable of doing quietly. So to spare you the  
scene I'd be bound to create, I'm just going to stay out of your way. No more bidding on your basket for  
me. It's time I realized that for once I'm the guy who didn't bring enough money.  
__Be happy. I want you to be happy. Please do that for me. Live, and love every second of it. Be your  
__mother's daughter. If you can do that, then maybe it was all worth it._

_Love always,  
__Jess_

By the end of the third read through, tears were gathering at the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill and ruin her makeup. The worst part was, she didn't even know why. She hadn't seen Jess Mariano in over a year, not since Luke and Lorelai's wedding. They had danced for a few minutes before a jealous Logan cut in. Dancing with Jess had been a strange feeling, being so close to him after all their history. She had felt both their hearts, somehow still beating after being broken by the other so many times, and a part of her marveled at that.

He had told her, quietly, sincerely, that he still loved her. That he had always loved her. But that he knew she was still with Logan. That he would let her be, as long as she was happy.

And she _was_. She was happy. When Logan had proposed, not even two weeks later, she had accepted immediately. And she couldn't say that their relationship had changed at all. They were still happy. She knew that she could probably spend the rest of her life contentedly with Logan.

"Rory, it's ten minutes 'til..." a voice began, trailing away suddenly when the speaker caught sight of the single tear that had trickled down Rory's cheek as she reminisced.

Paris stared at her. "What is it?" she asked, in a very different attitude from her former brusque tone.

Silently, Rory passed off the letter. The blonde woman scanned it quickly, eyes darting across the page. Then she sighed and sat down next to Rory at the low table. "So what does this mean?" she asked.

"I don't know," Rory said quietly.

"Do you still have feelings for Kerouac Boy?"

Rory laughed bitterly. "Of course!" she said. "But that's just Jess. Even with everything we've put each other through, the chemistry's still there, and it's always going to be there. But chemistry isn't enough to hang a relationship on."

"Who said anything about relationships?" Paris asked, raising a knowing eyebrow, pointing out without actually saying it what Rory's subconscious thoughts were.

"I'm marrying Logan," Rory said firmly. "He's good to me. He loves me. He takes care of me, and I know I'll always be... comfortable with him. It's not a relationship I regret."

"So you regret your relationship with Jess?"

"No! That's not what I meant!" Rory said, exasperated. "I just... I regret how it ended, you know?"

Paris sighed. "Rory, love's not about being comfortable. I mean, that's part of it, of course. You can't be constantly unsettled or you'll never be happy. But it should be about being _deliriously_ happy, too. It should be about not being able to picture yourself without the other person in your life. I'd think you'd know that by now. God knows you've had enough examples set out for you!"

Rory squinted at her in confusion. "What?"

Brown eyes rolled. "Oh please, Gilmore! I thought you were supposed to be a quick study! Look at your mother, with that diner guy! She went and settled for your father and broke everybody's heart in the process. Or what about Lane? She settled for that Zack guy, and look where she is now- a single mother and a divorcée."

"So you're saying I should just leave Logan at the altar and go chasing after a guy I haven't dated in years?" Rory demanded. "I think you're biased. You never liked Logan."

"I'm not saying anything," Paris said firmly. "But I _am_ saying... I took a chance, once. I did what Terrence told me and put myself out there, and it was the best thing I've ever done."

And so Rory did it. She thought about it. She pictured her life without Logan. It was hard. He had been such a big part of her life for so long that it was difficult to extricate him. But she could picture herself being happy without him. She could picture herself, a little different, a little more shy and retiring perhaps, but still very much herself, if Logan hadn't come into her life. And then her thoughts turned to what her life would have been like without Jess in it, and the picture scared her. He had shifted everything in her world three steps to the right at every opportunity, and she didn't even know who she'd be. He had pushed her boundaries without fundamentally changing who she was. More than anyone in her life except for Lorelai, Jess had shaped and affected who she was at the core of her being. When she thought about her future, then, she could imagine one in which Logan played no part. It hurt, but she could do it. Without Jess, though...

It terrified her, but she got to her feet. "Thanks Paris," she said shakily, hugging her friend. "I, uh, I have places I need to be..."

* * *

As her foot hit the accelerator, she was incredibly thankful that she had yielded to Emily's insistence that sleek, body-hugging wedding gowns were very in this season, rather than going with what she and her mother had first wanted, a dress with a wide flared skirt like a Disney princess. If she had had all that extra material to contend with, she'd never have been able to fit in her tiny sedan, let alone steering it.

It was a three-hour drive to Philadelphia from Hartford...

* * *

She burst through the doors of Truncheon, desperate. "Where's Jess?" she cried, staring blindly around as she moved nervously about, walking just to be walking.

A dark-haired young man stepped in front of her. She vaguely recognized him from the last time she had been here, almost three years previously, and thought his name might be Matthew. "Jess is in the back alley smoking," he said coldly. "Which, in Jess-speak, means he's gone out to have a good cry where no one can see him, seeing as he hasn't touched a cigarette in years. I assume you're the girl he's been pining for all these years?"

Another tear completed the destruction of her mascara and she nodded. "I need to see him," she said. "It's important."

"I can tell," Matthew said, raising an eyebrow. He pointed to a door at the back of the small shop and Rory followed his indication post-haste. Before she could exit the room, though, she heard him call after her, "If you break his heart again, I won't hesitate to snap your neck!" Unsettled by the warning, she fled the building and stumbled out into the alley.

And there he was. Sitting against the brick back wall of Truncheon, looking as if he had simply fallen there for a lack of strength in his legs, he had a bottle of whiskey clutched in his hand and, as Matthew had predicted, tears pouring down his face.

When the door slammed shut behind her, he looked up, startled. "What are you doing here?" he asked quietly. "You're supposed to be getting married."

She shrugged. "I got your letter and suddenly I couldn't do it."

Jess stood up. "What?" His voice was incredibly soft, as if he were scared of breaking this moment in half.

"I don't know if I love you or what, but I know that I can't picture my life without you in it one way or another, and I think if I got married, I wouldn't even have that," she said simply.

He nodded slowly, letting out a deep breath. "So... okay. What does that mean?"

"It means... it means I've got some serious emotional baggage to sort through," she answered honestly. "I won't lie to you and say I didn't love Logan. I loved him once upon a time. But I think a lot of what we have now only works because I'm... used to him. We had a routine, and you know how I love routines."

Jess apparently couldn't suppress the tiniest smirk at that.

"It's going to take some time for me to deal with all that," Rory told him. "A couple months, at least. But maybe once I've gotten out of that routine... we could see where this thing that never goes away takes us?"

Jess' eyes widened. "I... god, I'd do anything," he said quietly. "Are you serious?"

"Dead serious. I was just thinking about my mom and Lane and how their marriages fell apart because they settled for the sure choice rather than waiting for the right one to come back around, and I don't want to let what we had, what we _could_ have, slip away. So I say we keep in touch and let it go from there. I don't want to jump into anything too fast... but I do want to be with you."

"I think that sounds really good," Jess said, taking the last few steps between them. "Can I kiss you?"

She smiled. "If you want to consider it like being put on layaway," she said, shrugging with feigned indifference.

Before she was aware of what was happening, his lips covered hers in a sweet kiss. It started out fairly innocently, but all too quickly she found herself pressing wantonly against him, hands tangling up in his hair while his roamed her sides, desperately searching for something to hold onto to keep from being swept away in the unexpected surge of feelings. After quite a long time, they pulled away and Jess rested his forehead against hers tenderly.

"Still good at that," she breathed.

"Yeah," he whispered. "God, it's been too long since we've done that."

"I agree," she said. Then she sighed. "I left a bit of a mess behind me. My departure was rather abrupt, and I think I need to go... take care of things."

Jess put a few more inches between them (though he still kept her hands), and she could sense him closing himself off, determined to shield himself from the hurt of her leaving. Her heart broke a little as she mentally replayed all the times she had broken him. "Okay," he mumbled.

"I'll be back, though," she promised. "And I'll call you when I get home."

A tentative smile crept across his face. "Good."

"See you later, Jess."

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**A/N-** The final chapter of IIWII should be posted soonish, once I find the time to transfer it from my notebook to my laptop (I've got a busy couple of days coming up, so it may be awhile). Then we'll get on to a few new posts on PM. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find it in me to try my hand at Heroes again...? We'll see. In the meantime, I'd really like you to review!


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